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JOTD: Tools Explained.

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  • tbird430
    Super-Experienced
    • Jun 18 2007
    • 2648

    JOTD: Tools Explained.

    DRILL PRESS:
    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL:
    Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shoot!"

    SKILL SAW:
    A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS:
    Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER:
    An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW:
    One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS:
    Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
    Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

    TABLE SAW:
    A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
    Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW:
    A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TEN-TON ENGINE HOIST:
    A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
    Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
    A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

    PRY BAR:
    A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER:
    A tool used to make hoses too short. Also used to "try" and cut wire when the side-cutters can't be found.

    HAMMER:
    Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now-a-days is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

    UTILITY KNIFE:
    Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    Son of a BUCK TOOL:
    Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a BUCK" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

    sigpic
    The 1960 Ford Thunderbird. The WORLD'S most wanted car....

    VTCI Member#6287.
  • Coral
    Super-Experienced

    • Apr 3 2009
    • 1132

    #2


    A few of those I haven't experienced yet....thanks for the tip, LOL

    Comment

    • Guest

      #3
      Hey Jon,
      You forgot the crescent wrench, knuckle busting piece of useless metal!!!
      Richard D. Hord

      Comment

      • tbird430
        Super-Experienced
        • Jun 18 2007
        • 2648

        #4
        HAHAHA!!
        sigpic
        The 1960 Ford Thunderbird. The WORLD'S most wanted car....

        VTCI Member#6287.

        Comment

        • simplyconnected
          Administrator
          • May 26 2009
          • 8795

          #5
          Frank Feldman

          A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

          Passenger: "Who?"

          Cabbie: "Frank, Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

          Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

          Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

          Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

          Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

          Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

          Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

          Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

          Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his widow."
          Member, Sons of the American Revolution

          CLICK HERE to see my custom hydraulic roller 390 FE build.

          "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
          --Lee Iacocca

          From: Royal Oak, Michigan

          Comment

          • Guest

            #6
            Hey Dave,
            Well I was going to comment, but I think I will keep it to myself
            Richard D. Hord

            Comment

            • Coral
              Super-Experienced

              • Apr 3 2009
              • 1132

              #7

              Comment

              • Dan Leavens
                Moderator / Administrator


                • Oct 4 2006
                • 6395

                #8
                Dave thanks for the chuckle
                Dano Calgary,Alberta Canada
                Thunderbird Registry
                58HT #33317
                60 HT (Sold )

                Comment

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