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Tools and their uses...

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    Tools and their uses...

    Here is a description of various tools and their ACTUAL uses.
    This is information that every Handyman should read and know before attempting to do any job.

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeow s--t....!!!"

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

    SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The tool most often used by all women.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Also used to gobble dangling wall telephone cords.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

    WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1 / 2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapp ing the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

    RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

    TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic senseless.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, t o strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: AKA Flathead. A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures. And, if whatever is broken, cannot be fixed with this tool, it ain't worth fixing.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents, such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands. I just had to throw the vinyl records in there - this was long ago, but it happened.

    DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lots of these) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
  • tarps3
    Super-Experienced
    • Jul 21 2003
    • 837

    #2
    very comprehensive.

    It was good to know I was using all my tools EXACTLY as I should.
    I are smart...

    good one!
    Casey

    Comment

    • Dan Leavens
      Moderator / Administrator


      • Oct 4 2006
      • 6395

      #3
      EG these are great. I am not sure that the manufacturer's want them to be described this way but in actual fact, it's pretty close.

      Dano Calgary,Alberta Canada
      Dano Calgary,Alberta Canada
      Thunderbird Registry
      58HT #33317
      60 HT (Sold )

      Comment

      • Guest

        #4
        EG
        I knew that I should have read the instrution sheet before I started my last job,but you just finished it thanks for all your knowledge, I will do better now

        Comment

        • frank58
          Super-Experienced
          • May 28 2006
          • 524

          #5
          At least I now know that all my tools are working "properly".

          Thanks EG

          Comment

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